Yes, I’ve heard some of these words

I’m trying to invest in the big world of finance. Today was my meeting with a financial advisor.

Last year, I spoke with another financial advisor, and boy, this man was a shadow of what you saw in The Wolf of Wall Street. The guy I spoke to today was like speaking with your conservative Grandpa.

He was a young, kind man, who knew how to speak with professionalism. I also wanted to come off as a dude who mean business, so I put on a nice coat on. I’ve never done this, so it was definitely out of character. I still welcomed the decision because I understand people have different attitudes toward the clothing of other people. So what? All I had to do was put 10 more seconds into my outfit and I might get better customer service? Big deal.

The conversation started simple. It was small chit chat about how beautiful Utah is, and the different hikes found outside of the valley.

Then it got a little too complex. He started saying big words, and talked big numbers. I immediately thought, “What did I get myself into?”

So, I just sat there and tried to take in all of the information as best as I could. As mentioned, he is a patient man who will take the time to explain financial concepts to.

I was happy with the meeting overall.

Towards the end, I was a little overwhelmed and vulnerable with my lack of knowledge. I let him know that he can really take advantage of me and I wouldn’t know.

His reply was beautiful, but cliche once written down. I’ll spare you the details.

Hopefully in the future, I’ll look back and think there was nothing ever to worry about.

I Cut the Umbilical Cord.

Yes, I cut the umbilical cord with my mom.

Well, as I’ve gotten older the umbilical cord has been weakened and possibly has a few tears already.

My mom is a very caring person who puts her baby boy as priority number one. I don’t know if I’ll ever be this type of parent, but my goodness can she just let me be, dammit!

A few days ago construction started on a bridge. Traffic is still able to go under the bridge but at night is when the heavy machinery start. And you can’t make cement without water, so naturally a few cars catch the dirty, muddy water on their windshields and paint jobs. I park my car and notice that I was the lucky one to have my car blessed with a few drops of the nasty water. My hood, roof, and windshield were tainted with it.

My mom sees my car a few days later. She immediately tells me to pull it in the front yard so we can start scrubbing. I didn’t want to do it. I just wanted to sit down, watch a video, and relax… But nooooo! I’m a good kid and oblige. We clean the car and give the rims a good shining. No problem. Life is good.

Next day, I come home from a lengthy day of work and warm up a bowl of food in the microwave. My loving mom is sitting at the kitchen ready to talk to her son. I’m low energy and tired and the only thing I want to do is turn my brain off for a few minutes.

I take my food to the sofa. Sure enough, my mom sits next to me at the sofa. God damn it.

Still, I keep quiet and shove the food down my throat. As soon as I’m done, my mom says, “Alright, get ready. Let’s cut the grass.”

I slightly lost it. My inner 5 year old tantrum came out and I’m like, “Damn it! Fine!”. The quote is not well translated through a computer. My arms were in the air and I take long, stomping strides to the kitchen. My mom asks what’s wrong, what’s with the attitude.

The silence right after only lasted a split second. The words were coming out of my mouth and I didn’t give it a second thought.

“Sometimes, I just want to be alone and not speak. I just want to lay down in my room and relax a few minutes.”

That was all it took for my mom to understand. As a matter of fact, she took the matter into her own hands and started to cut the grass without me.

It didn’t take long for the guilt to settle. I don’t know if I should feel bad, but I’m glad she noticed my frustration with her. Today we barely spoke and I’m sure my mom is dying to just reconnect with her son. My selfishness just gets in the way of it. However, I’m sure even the greatest of mother-son relationships need time alone. I sure do.

It’s okay, we’ll get through this. Ha!

Slipping into Negativity

Being away from a negative mentality is a full time job.

There are so many factors that give you the option to choose between an optimistic or pessimistic viewpoint. It’s also a snowball effect where something that brings you down opens you up to be shitty, and revert back to an unhappier side of yourself.

Again, being mindful and aware of what makes you feel shitty and accepting those thoughts is how I feel better and my snap judgements disappear for a moment in time. Fuck man! It’s hard to push these thoughts away as just thoughts and prevent yourself to internalize this in your mind.

Just now, I came into a delicious coffee shop where the lobby was packed. I immediately became annoyed and started pushing my toxic prejudice on the customers that attend the coffee shop. It’s scary how easy it is to slip into a different side of you that is unhealthy for yourself and the people around you.

It doesn’t happen so apparent and obvious as walking into a crowded coffee shop. The feeling came yesterday night. I was alone and bored. Slowly, but surely, I had thoughts running on autopilot about how I’m not having the fun and enjoyment on weekends just like a lot of people in my age. Basically, I felt bad about myself.

However, I am fortunate to live in a state of mind where distraction and immediate awareness can alleviate my mood. Do you know what I did yesterday night? I stretched. About a week ago I’ve had the desire to do the splits. Full on. One leg opposite of the other… The splits. From the ages 5 to 8 years old I was able to do it flawlessly. My parents put me in karate so that’s how I was able to do it with no problem. And, I’ve (ahem) gotten way older and have been humbled physically. Clearly, doing the splits will show the world I’m in peak, physical condition.

Bam! Problem solved. 

Back to High School

In previous posts, I’ve mentioned that I ran into a few friends from high school and have reached out to long lost acquaintances for an apology.

Well, it happened again.

I saw my best friend from high school at his job. He works for a bank and it looks like he is successful at what he does. Actually, he let me know he barely started his Master’s program at the University.

We have seen each other about once a year after graduation at his job, of course. But, today was a more, real connection where we both discussed where we our in our young lives.

I’ve been more receptive to welcoming back old friends. You know those weird moments where you see someone you know at a grocery store, or somewhere public, and they see you back? Some people, usually pretend they don’t see you, or you don’t exist, or don’t remember you. I don’t think I’m okay with that. That’s so weird of people to do that. We rather do this act of ignorance than acknowledge someone else’s presence.

I generalize, but I’m sure most people can relate to those moments.

There was a brief moment I wanted to ignore my buddy. It’s possible that my awareness of emotions and feelings prevented me from treating an old friend like a stranger. It’s easier to ask yourself questions like, “Why am I doing this?” Actually, I owe it all to the awareness I’ve been trying to practice. Oh, and journaling.

I remember these brief moments of negativity and I relive it so vividly that it perhaps deters me from connecting with an old acquaintance. I mean, it was high school! Who gives a fuck on what Jenny said about Taylor? We’re all kids, and sometimes we mature at different rates. How long do we hold this grudge against someone? Are they really the same person you knew in high school?

It’s possible, but how do you know for sure?

My meditation and awareness has really increased my overall satisfaction of my surroundings and myself. It’s not that I’ve just tolerated everything that angers me, it’s that I see social scenarios and people as a clean slate, free of judgement. I’m usually pleasantly surprised on what I find, or if I don’t like it I don’t become instantaneously angry.

So, yeah, I was pleasantly surprised at my old, high school friend. I’m sure he isn’t always the most pleasant person to be around, but I shouldn’t dismiss him because of old memories. I’m inclined to believe he has changed for the better.

 

 

The Young and Wise

No, not me. Absolutely not me.

I was with my buddy, a good guy that is trying to improve himself, just like me. We’ve both shared personal flaws we see in ourselves. Our high school stories are filled with self-hatred, judgement, and cynicism.

This was the dude who I finally related to. I have been going to his coffee shop for months and he was a barista there. A short introduction later, we hang out once a week to meditate and discuss breakthroughs, or personal achievement tales. Of course, the conversation is not always earnest and somber. It’s filled with laughs and hearty sense of humor.

I picked him up from work and we decided to visit a local coffee shop. We’ve been getting into tea lately, which pairs well with meditation. Once we parked the car, my buddy sees one of his buddies and crosses the street to say hi. I couldn’t care less, I keep walking towards my destination. To be honest, I was kind of bitter because it felt like he abandoned me within seconds.

I order my Italian soda and my buddy with his found friend take a seat at my table. I immediately knew who he was based on his unique appearance.

My buddy told me that this guy was also an angry guy when he was young. He was always in fights, or just plain mean. However, one day he had a realization that changed his outlook in life. He was about to beat up a guy and understood that the altercation was not worth it. Seriously. That was when he realized.

We spoke for about an hour with this guy and the dude was Zen, understanding, and a reasonable person. His appearance was about 6’2, tattooed, and gauges the size of a spool. Of course, anyone could judge him as a harsh guy.

The dude spoke truth and reason. I never knew him before he changed, but I admired that he wanted to be a nice guy. I saw no fake personality, not even a hint of an angry guy. He was nice, listened carefully to your conversation, and never passed judgement. No effort was put in, it just came naturally to him.

He gave me hope. Maybe I’ll be just as calm and understanding as him one day.

It’s important for me to be always aware of my surroundings and other people. It’s easier than before to be a reasonable, kind, and understanding man. Yet, when I get really comfortable that’s when I worry.

I feel like I’m learning how to interact and speak with other people. I’m starting over and I think that’s ok. I’m perfectly fine being an awkward guy if it means that I’ll be as calm and zen as my new friend.

 

Dad, The explorer

I look at my phone, two missed calls from the old man. I was driving home from work and didn’t even notice my phone.

My dad never calls no more than once per 3 weeks. We just have a very strong relationship, but couldn’t care less about the constant communication.

So, naturally after two missed calls I quickly call back. The first thing my dad says, “Why didn’t you answer me?” I silently roll my eyes and explain my damn driving habits. He starts the conversation by asking, “Guess what happened to me?”

My dad moved to Mexico when I was about 16 years old. The dude was old then and the poor guy has only gotten older. He chooses a solitary lifestyle, with no more than one friend (maybe), and never goes outside, unless he wants to take a lap around the park. You know, for health reasons.

Of course my mind starts racing with all sorts of possibilities. Did he kill someone? Did he commit a hit and run and now has to leave the country for asylum? Do you need money? Are you selling drugs? Did you get arrested? I hold my tongue and calmly ask, “What?”

Dad: “Well, are you working tomorrow?”

Me: “Yes, I do”

Dad: “My car broke down driving to your sister’s. The radiator broke down”

Me: …

Dad: “I’m at a gas station. Talk to your sister. Get me home”

My dad is in his seventies and he was going to my sister’s house, which by the way is another country away, unannounced. He wanted to surprise my sister. I mean, I guess that’s a good idea?

My dad has always had an adventure mentality, and the age doesn’t take that away.

The Apology

Gosh, people really like to make your indifferences apparent and noticeable. Not really, I just over analyze my interactions with people and realize how fucking strange I came across. Who knows? Maybe that’s just me overanalyzing.

I have absolutely no problem with saying compliments in the middle of the conversation. Ha! Always throws the recipient off-guard. It’s always a positive statement that gets people. I’m not sure how much negativity, we as people, just accept and move on. How often do you get someone to just say something nice to you?

But, for whatever reason, an apology is difficult for some people to say. I’m not talking about like a “yeah, I was shitty, my bad”. I’m talking the real deal; Expressing your regret kind of thing. There’s nothing wrong or disingenuous about either of those statements, but I’m sure one sounds more powerful than the other.

Well I apologized to a buddy from an incident from about six years ago now. I lost a strong friendship because I pressured him into drinking with me. He over did it. Both of our parents got involved, I felt terrible. That was where the friendship was broken. We stopped hanging out and texting.

I would see him occasionally and my workplace and we had a few words to say to each other. The conversation was small talk and meaningless. And I guess you could say I became unhappy with the life I was living. All my friends go away, I meet new ones, relationships end, and life still continues.

Two days ago I texted him. Yeah, I don’t feel good about texting your apology, but I don’t know if there was a better, smoother way. I straight up told him I regret pressuring him into drinking and I was sorry the friendship ended.

He didn’t text back until the next morning. His response was what I needed. A classy response from a classy guy. He said all is forgiven, and he blames himself a little bit too.

After all these years my buddy remains a classy dude.

A sense of relief washes over me, but a little guilt remains. It’s arguably a healthy dose of guilt.

Negative people

As mentioned previously, I started taking up meditation. I have no idea why I’ve completely fell in love with the idea and have started meditating everyday.

There’s a sense of accomplishment and a complete understanding of your feelings and surroundings. Is this too hippy? Did I lose you?

It’s helped me with snap judgements and seeing the world around me as a clean slate. I’m not claiming I’m without flaws. Simply, I recognize that the faults that I would see in everyone begins with the anger within myself. Something so simple as someone that dressed differently than me was bothersome. A song that was playing in the radio that I hated would make me upset.

“You’re Insecure!”

Possibly. I can confirm.

So now I’m trying to become a positive person without judgement. Why would something on a bumper sticker bother me? That’s simply not logical or reasonable.

With this new perspective I’ve gained many benefits. My confidence has skyrocketed, I enjoy conversations more, and I’m more open to new ideas or suggestions… Or so I think. Yet, sometimes it’s difficult to hear other’s opinions, ideas, or their life dilemmas without being upset. It’s very challenging to still be engaged in the conversation when the person’s comment made you upset. It’s the emotional reaction that overcomes my mindful mentality to immediately burst and interrupt their thought to interject my two cents and tell them why they’re wrong. Once I engage in a heated discussion, I’ve lost my cool. My pride kicks in and I have to let them know that I’m right. It ruins my day, and the anger may live within me until the next day.

It’s very hard to maintain a balance of positivity and non-judgement when your friends, and inner circle test you. It’s a simple obstacle I need to overcome.

There is an argument to whether I should be getting upset or not. I’ll figure that out later. For now, I gotta stay cool and committed.

Meditation!

Oh my goodness. I never thought I’d be the guy to find meditation as fulfilling.

One of my good buddies and I had a few issues in common. We are both cynical, angry, and judgmental people, but we want to improve ourselves. We both want to not get upset if we see someone that is different from us. If you’ve read any of the posts, you can see that I’ve had inner turmoil with friends around me. I’ve made people feel upset with my words and have often felt upset for absolutely no reason at all.

My buddy then told me about mindfulness. He is a barista and told me that he wanted to be more mindful when washing dishes or simply making a coffee. The way he spoke about it was something that struck a chord with me. Taking every movement you make while heating the milk, or scrubbing a pot, being absolutely aware of your surroundings and taking deep breaths. Everything washes over you and you feel in a better mood.

Of course, I felt like this would be advice that would be helpful with me. I ordered a latte and tasted the warm liquid hit my tastebuds. The foam hitting my upper lip and I would have to lick it away. The aroma that would rise from the mug and enter my nostrils. The experience was lovely and I quickly fell hard and meditated everyday since then.

Mediation has helped me from making snap judgements, be considerate of my actions, and assisted in fully immersing myself in a conversation with a stranger/friend. The world around me is a clean slate that doesn’t deserve quick dismissals of benevolent features.