Older and Dumber

I don’t think I have many strong beliefs, or at least I don’t think I do. I remember having “spirited” debates about certain issues; Topics would include veganism, college, and the death penalty.

I realize now that these debates were very lopsided in the way that I would argue. I would attack their personality and characteristics for their belief if they argued against me. This would include constant interruption and making outlandish claims that were just too dumb to comprehend. Yet, when the argument was finished I always had a sense of accomplishment and victory. I now see it as a weakness, because I never gave the opposing viewpoint a chance. I just want to learn and be enlightened, not have to decide which way is the truth. Also, I have a tendency to only see people that live and think differently than me as wrong, or dumb.

For example, one of my buddies that I no longer hangout is a “Flat-Earther”. I think these people are trolls, or convinced themselves of a lie because of “higher authorities” who work together. Also, he is an anti-vaxxer and an emotionally wrecked guy that uses weed as a remedy. The most irritating thing was for me was that he was so stubborn to see opposing viewpoints, or think of an alternative way.

Yet, as I write these paragraphs I see myself reliving the emotions that would make me upset. His illogical thinking that would convince himself of a lifestyle that was toxic to himself would cause me to land in arguments that were never needed. My anger would get the best of me when it was not necessary.

Even now, with the very few buddies I have, I have a really hard time listening, understanding, and sympathizing with their beliefs. I’m hoping that acknowledging this would help me overcome. 

The Holidays…

Yeah, it kinda sucks to “celebrate” the holidays.

I would be more excited to have the country shut down for a day if that meant more enjoyment being at home. My favorite places shut down and there is nothing to do.

My mom has been such a supportive lady lately and I haven’t appreciated her. I’m sounding like a broken record. She briefly knew that I was going through some temporary sadness and she does her best to help me out. This again occurred yesterday for Thanksgiving. She and I had the day off, but we both had no plans. We got up in the morning, went to the store to get some bread, and then I took my mom to the park to do jog while she walked a few laps.

I thoroughly enjoyed my morning and even did something productive in the afternoon and helped my mom clean the gutters. Again, this was Thanksgiving.

The afternoon was stagnant. I just stayed in bed for hours, happily. Then my mom got worried. She asked if I wanted to go Black Friday shopping. The only reason she asked was because she saw me in my room, alone and on my phone. She may have thought that I got sad, or something like that. Little did she know, I was planning on hitting the bag soon. As soon as I brought that up her face lightened up and was happy with my answer.

After my boxing session, she asked if I got bored today. It’s just another instance where my mom looks out for me. I guess I need to be more thankful for having a woman like that be my mom. Ha! Nah, I’m not ending this on a cheesy note.

Baby Steps

You know, every time I write down my thoughts and ambitions on this silly website I always wonder how I’m coming off. One good friend said I come off as very honest.

I learned a word that kind of describes the opposite of my writing style:

circumlocution – the use of many words where fewer would do, especially in a deliberate attempt to be vague or evasive.

So it’s possible my buddy just took my writing as honest because I try to write as clear as possible. In reality, who knows. Maybe he was just being kind and it was a safe response to my writing.

Going back to some previous posts, I’m sure I sound like I’m socially inept and inadequate at making friends, lacking confidence, and full of self-doubt and insecurity. Although this may be true, it’s really not bad at all. Once written down the issues look much more serious than it really is. It’s just me self-analyzing where I could do better to improve my overall life satisfaction. A few tweaks, ya know? Also, I think I have become less cynical, more patient, and better at managing my emotions. This is just anecdotal. I don’t actually know if I have improved, but I do feel a difference. 

I spoke to some people that I used to work with yesterday. Two separate instances and completely different conversations. The conversation I had were open, revealing and somewhat intimate. My first instinct is to think that these conversations were more enjoyable from doing self-reflection and just being more confident. Also, a side of me believes I’ve always been able to talk and possess desirable qualities. Who knows? I’m just happy I’m growing in a positive direction. Period.

There’s nothing wrong with fine-tuning a few characteristics and qualities you wish to change if you feel like they inhibit you in some way. However, I find it to always be better to be a devil’s advocate about change. I’m not saying a drug addict shouldn’t have to change or a person with a temper shouldn’t manage themselves better. What I’m saying is that weighing the pros and cons objectively of your decision one way or another is beneficial in seeking the best choice. This makes sense, right? If a person self medicates with marijuana to get rid of social anxiety that’s totally okay. But ask yourself, is getting rid of my anxiety IMPOSSIBLE without weed?

I’m getting off topic, but either way, I’m happy where I’m at and it looks like I’m still climbing to the top.

 

Hot, Humid, and Itchy

I just came back from the Dominican Republic. Let me go ahead and shorten this to a few pros and cons:

Pros:

• Hot women
• Beautiful beaches
• Awesome people
• Exploring a new culture
• Taking public transportation (sort of)
• Relaxing afternoons with a beer
• Appreciating my life in the states more
• Seeing my sister

Cons:

• I was always sweating
• Mosquitos attacked me
• Hardly any women in the town I was in
• Humid
• Had to walk everywhere
• No real good food
• Public transportation
• Seeing my sister stressed and angry

Overall, the trip was enjoyable and learned a lot from the culture over there. I think my sister taught me a lot and it is what I’m taking the most out of the trip. My sister is female (obviously) and learned that I don’t get the same opportunities as my sister. She is a light-skinned, attractive lady who turned heads everywhere we went. Males gawk at any walking women over there. There wasn’t any catcalling from what I heard, but I definitely saw the guys staring with no shame.

If my sister needed to walk anywhere, we would walk a few minutes and someone would surely give us a ride. This is a very common thing in small towns in Dominican Republic. When I would walk alone, no one even looked at me. It helps immensely as well that my sister smiles when she walks into a place and has a strong personality. I’m sure this attracted a lot of attention.

One day my sister and I are sitting at a bar and enjoying the day. We are smiling, laughing, and having simple fun. Guys take notice and pour shots for my sister. They take her out for a little dance. A dude starts talking to me and he wants to hangout with me and gives me his number. Afterwards, we get offered to a ride back to the house in a dune buggy! All of this because of my sister’s attractiveness and personality.

However, the fiery sides of my sister are less dormant than what I remember. She got frustrated a few times to the degree that it reminded me of how I feel when my dad used to get angry. I felt like I was walking on eggshells around my sister and was careful of saying anything that would anger my sister further.

I learned more about anger and how it makes others feel. I hope I don’t become angry to the point that it makes others feel uncomfortable.

I was kind of planning this post would focus more on my sister and the experience I had with her. I didn’t know if it was going to come off as a negative so I decided not to write it.

I’m Leaving to DR

For about a week and a half I’m going to leave my simple life behind and travel to see my sister in her new home in Dominican Republic. I’m a little bummed because I won’t get to rock climb, jog, or box like I usually like doing. However, I’ll try to jog daily and learn to climb trees, or something like that to stay active.

I’ll be sure to take some scenic photos and try to make everyday memorable. I am not a fan of travelling because it takes me out of my routine and keeps me away from what I like doing. Plus, I think I get stressed and overwhelmed with the logistics, finance, and planning. Overall, I’m hopeful and excited to see my sister once again. She is the sibling I am closest to and hope her transition to her new life is the step towards the right direction for her.

I have to actively place my mentality and attitude towards a friendly, outgoing guy. It’s not my natural self yet, but I am working on that. The shy, quiet, reserved people don’t make the same exciting memories as the people who are willing to put themselves out there and make new friends. There’s nothing wrong with either type of people, but I want to make sure I’m getting the most out of my travel.

There are no goals I’m planning, like catching a fish, or doing a bonfire. My sister is a teacher now, so I’m sure I’ll have to fill my alone time with something. Actually, I’ll have to kill close to 12 hours in an airport. I’m not sure if I should AirBnB or simply wait it out. I do want to watch the UFC fight and step into a bar to experience it. I’ll make a few friends there I’m sure if I get in the right mindset.

Maybe I’ll just get there, treat myself to a nice dinner and then head back to the airport. I don’t know, but Dominican Republic will hopefully be a beneficial culture shock, and I’ll get to explore the culture and the people in a positive way. I have absolutely no idea what to expect and I’m looking forward to it.

Discouragement is Easy

I took up rock climbing recently and the learning curve is huge if you are built like me, with no real strength or natural athleticism.

For indoor gyms there are routes or “problems” you can do that are designed for beginners, intermediates, and experts. The beginner routes are marked with a yellow dot and then you have to reach the top using the color coded handles or grips that follow the yellow (beginner) route. For beginners like me, you get to a certain grip that is impossible unless you have technique or some serious strength. Once I accomplish a task like that I still have to face the fact that I’m pretty high off the ground and then the fear seeps in. There is a cushioned mat on the floor that protects your fall. Yet, when I’m hanging on by three fingers holding on for dear life, my legs start shaking and my hands start pouring sweat out of fear and nervousness.

Then I found that one route that I simply cannot do. I have to fall and re-assess the route and plan out my moves more carefully. I have to shift my weight or simply stay in control so that I can really reach my next grip. It’s really a mental process that requires mental endurance and the power of will.

Other rock climbers are fucking Gods and are doing jaw-dropping climbs and look absolutely shredded, composed, and calm. It’s just another day in the office for them. Meanwhile, I’m sweating from every pore in my body trying to figure out the yellow dots.

I failed the route too many times and I got discouraged. My fingers got cut up and are now covered in bandages and wounds. It’s hard not to feel discouraged when people next to you are just tearing up the course without breaking a sweat. It’s like another day in the office for them. I can’t do the route that I’ve been working on for hours. My hands can’t stop sweating and my fingers are getting injured in the process.

I quickly learned that the discouragement feeling spreads quickly. After a few more tries, I mentally shut down and left the gym. I shouldn’t feel that way when I pick up a new hobby. That’s maybe why I pick up hobbies like crazy and then abandon them. It could be that I get bored, but also I didn’t get good enough in my interests for me to really enjoy them.

Sure, Elon Musk is on a different planet with a crazy work ethic. Now, the dude is a billionaire. I’m sure he couldn’t get there without feeling somewhat discouraged. I mean, he is still human. Yet, he suppressed that feeling and focused his energy on another attempt. I’ll keep grinding this out until I can reach the fucking top of the wall.

Pretty soon my hands will stop sweating, my fear of falling will be gone, my muscles will be toned, and I can dominate the route of my choosing. The end results will be awesome.

A Few More Resources

So, I don’t feel like I’m the most fun, or outgoing person I can be. My group of friends are limited and I haven’t had many hobbies in the last few weeks. Now, my group of friends are still limited, but I’ve been more physically active. The sad feelings, and overall negative thoughts I’ve been having are eradicated and no longer with me. All I had do was go for a jog.

Yet, talking with friends with similar thoughts as mine, it’s almost viewed as shameful to take unorthodox steps towards recovery. Within reason, of course. I don’t exactly condone only the use of marijuana if you are depressed. If that works for you, so be it, but I’m very skeptical.

I’m talking about doing yoga, reading a self-help book, or attending a seminar. I’ll admit it, It sounds super cheesy when some paid motivational speaker tells you things like, “You can do anything you put your mind to!” or ” Don’t let anybody tell you no!”. Yet, if that works for people and they actually turn their life around, why is it bad? How cool would it be to imagine a world where all your problems would go away if all you had to was watch a motivational video?

If nothing else, it gives me confidence to say I learned something from some podcast that I could incorporate into my daily routine. They’re just tools that I like to use to improve myself. Some people use exercise, books, or therapists. I mean, if my car is broken wouldn’t I take it to a mechanic? I can definitely learn off of YouTube or read it from a book. Would I be effective in doing so? Maybe, but a little help goes a long way.

Most importantly, it’s acknowledging that there is some parts of your life or characteristics that you want to change. Do you feel fat or insecure? Join a gym or stop being insecure. The worst person is one unwilling to view their own faults. Right? No? Being preachy? I’ll stop.