Hot Yoga, Bitch

Upward Dog, Downward Dog, Tree, Chair pose, etc. 

It’s kicking my ass. Every. Single. Time. 

This new activity was presented to me years ago by now roommate. After an hour of hell, I still felt exhausted hours after it was over. The misery stayed with me and never succumbed to the mindfulness and discomfort that hot yoga came with. My insecurity was pretty high back then as well. I was too busy thinking about how weird I was looking, and how out of shape I looked.

I don’t look any different now, but I’m WAY more comfortable in my own skin. No negative thoughts penetrate, nor time is spent on how people perceive me. It’s nowhere near perfection, but who is? There’s toxicity out there trying to seep into my consciousness and I’m willing to fight it.

Hot yoga is something I never thought I would enjoy. However, sweating, embracing the discomfort and giving yourself a challenge is awesome. It’s not for everybody and that’s okay. Of course, I didn’t start with this new challenge because hot yoga was simply interesting. It started because I wanted to lean out and lose fat. I read somewhere that you burn almost 1000 calories per 60 minutes, so I should be losing some weight.

It helps that your roommate is a yoga instructor, and him constantly telling you how awesome it is that made want to join. I mean, it was only time. He is showing me the ropes on how to fully embrace it as well; Including taking a shower right after and switching to cold water the last few seconds.

We will see where this new hobby takes me. Coincidentally, a lady recognized me from my dance class. It’s just funny how things come in full circle.

Memorial Day

TLDR; This is a boring post about a nap, and it’s just a normal day. Nothing to see here, move along. 

Third day of hot yoga is completed. A little bit more on that later.

It was a very chill, relaxing day. It started off with a pretty decent workout with Ashlee. She’s the type of chick that goes to the gym because she knows she has to, but she doesn’t do much of a workout at all. After about 20 minutes we left and called it a day.

Side tangent: I want a Snickers. I want the bar too, not that fun size bullshit. Get me the real thing. 

After the gym I went back home and took a small nap. It was delightful, but I didn’t fall deep into a slumber, so it was “cute” if you could describe a nap that way.

Then, I ate a banana and got ready to do hot yoga. Today was the first day that I got to do hot yoga with my roommate, which by the way, is a part time yoga instructor. It’s a passion of his, obviously.

I’m embracing it. The discomfort of the heat, sweat dripping down my cheeks, and the burning of the muscles is fuel as motivation and determination. A meditative state is reached and I can say the output is greater than what I would have expected.

To contrast an environment of growth and health I visited my alcoholic friends. Harsh joke, but the way they treat their bodies is stunning to say the least. They have their own demons so I do hope they get that resolved before health problems permanently stay.

Now I’m home and can’t sleep because of that “cute nap”. I still want a Snickers. The title of this post is almost in bad taste because I did nothing in respect for Memorial Day. I guess I can say I wish I had a Snickers right now.

 

 

 

Guided Meditation

What the fuck are chakras? What is the feminine and masculine brain? Why am I breathing through only one side of my nose, and then switching sides? 

I’m a full believer of meditation, and I find it extremely rewarding. Although, it seems like there’s the spiritual, hippy side of meditation and then the way that I’m comfortable with; The mindful, practical one.

When you start speaking about aligning your chakras, you’ve lost me. I don’t know what you are talking about, and I’m too closed minded for me to give it a shit.

In my low times I discovered meditation and it was a game changer for me. Mindfulness was the temporary solution and it lit up my dark days. Like all my hobbies, I stopped doing and lost interest. However, I joined a yoga studio for a month and they offer guided meditation. Everybody was female except my and another fella.

We started off by answering a question from our guide; What kind of cheese are you?

What the fuck are you talking about? 

I’m exaggerating. It was kind of what I expected, but expect me not to attend anymore. This is sounding very negative but I was proud of myself for doing it, and I’ve been pretty fulfilled recently and I was able to meditate smoothly with no issue.

Boring post, move along

Trolling to Enlightenment

My buddy moved back from Nebraska just for the Summer. He has an internship lined up and it’s guaranteed he will be successful.

I wrangled him into a coffee shop and we sat outside chilling under a lovely sun. His demeanor is friendly, but with me he doesn’t engage in much of deep conversation. Usually, he isn’t like this. When I see him interact with females he is way more talkative and engaged. It could be I don’t make him feel comfortable, or maybe he likes the female attention. Looking back, the conversations I have with him are not fun either. They are usually dry, kind of funny, but makes both of us think a little too much. Either way, I appreciate his friendship.

It might be an unintentional way of me trying to get a conversation going, but I trolled him into a anti-vax argument. He knew I was trolling, but he indulged anyway and had fun with it. My arguments were what I thought an anti-vax person would say, and I think I even cornered him into a loss.

We discussed the points of when to engage someone with an opposing view. My thoughts are you shouldn’t engage with anyone on pretty extreme point of view, from any topic. It’s not that the person is going to change the view, but I think a change of heart that is important to the person will come from an individual path of self discovery.

This isn’t some wise words, or shit like that. My thoughts on veganism were pretty set in stone. I genuinely thought folks on conventional diets were wrong. No one ever debated me, but I was hard headed in my approach. Simply listening to reasonable podcasts made me question everything. But, I bet if someone was to debate me with the same facts and logic, no one would ever change my mind. Even now, I can safely assume I have no idea what I’m doing and I know ABSOLUTELY nothing.

For the actual FUN portion to write: 

 

 

I played chess at my local coffee shop. It’s been months since I’ve played. It was a small group today, just made up of two older gentleman.

I beat Trent once and I beat Robert twice and tied once.

You bet your sweet ass I felt like an ABSOLUTE BOSS

Get on my level, Robert.

 

Oh, cool. Another thing to work on.

Wow. It’s like I’m incapable of learning how to have a friendship flourish. It’s an intense friendship at the beginning and then it’s just a downfall if I don’t get what I want. Whether it’s boredom, or the friend is just not on your level. It’s probably not a healthy way to sustain “happiness”. You know, just dropping friends like flies.

This goes for both guys and girls. But, I’m not being hard on myself either. I genuinely enjoy my own company and find a lot of other friends and folks just simply not interesting, and I have no desire to strike up a friendly conversation. This has showcased in hot yoga where I fail to even greet people while waiting for class to start.

For example, I’m so happy and content where I’m at that I won’t reach for my phone to hit someone up to see what they’re up to. I seldomly get invited to do things, but when I  do I accept plans. It’s when I’m feeling a little negativity (loneliness, sadness, unhappy) that I reach out for my phone and cover it up with an attempt at hanging with someone. This gets worse because no one ever responds.

I’ve seen it with girls too. Usually I’ll get so excited about meeting a girl and exchanging contact information that I blow up their phone, or quickly rush to make plans. Not flattering on myself, but it’s a learning process. I don’t yet have the natural charm for this to come easy to me.

These are just my thoughts, there’s no point to this. Although I now have to report how my first couple of days have been at hot yoga: 

FIRST DAY:

It goes well. while doing the poses I have to keep looking at other folks to learn how to do the pose. I forgot about my shirt and by the time I took it off (about 30 minutes in), it was completely soaked. The heat and poses got so intense that I partially went deaf for a few moments. Water was gulped and a breather was needed. The class ended and I was actually pretty satisfied with myself afterward.

SECOND DAY:

Awwww yeeeaaaah: I’m getting the hang of it. Preparation is key and made sure to have some food before and bought a towel for my mat so I wouldn’t slip in certain poses. Still, many breaks were taken, but no deafness was brought in. The car ride home was actually very enjoyable and was grinning ear to ear for no reason. I felt calm and at peace

Takeaways:

I’m feeling really good, and I’ll persist with these next 29 days. I should be getting physical results, but now I’m opening my mind to the mental and mindful aspects of yoga. Hopefully and I can sit and enjoy the struggle while I drip beads of sweat from my face. I think this is a good thing. So far so good.

 

 

Yay. It’s My Friday.

What I need to do on my days off:

• Sign up for my monthly trial of yoga
• Work out
• Possibly get groceries
• Visit my mom and do some paperwork
• Buy a Goodbye card for my supervisor
• Kick Ass
• Be Awesome

I was looking forward to picking up my friend and her boyfriend from her trip in New York, but she said she was going to get Uber instead. It was the one thing I was kind of looking forward to, but that’s quite alright. My night will spent tucked away in my blanket, cozy and warm.

As for my “packed” weekend, I’m really going to try and commit to hot fucking yoga. It’s slightly making me nervous, but it’s something that I really want to do because it will get me in shape. My inner 12 year old self will finally be that much closer to getting a shredded six pack. This is what the near future holds: I’m going to hate it, I’m going to want to quit, and I’m going to dread going. Yet, persistence is key, and I WILL succumb and finally enjoy it. Boom.

Secondly, I have to complete a leg workout. My sprained foot has kept me away from legs for about a week and a half, and squatting and deadlifting will be challenging. Yet, I will fucking kill it and get back to optimal performance in no time. Boom.

Thirdly, I need to buy some eggs and protein bars. Boom.

Next, my mom is headed out of town for a while and I’m going to help her fill out some paperwork to make traveling easier for her. Boom.

Finally, my team supervisor got a promotion and will no longer be leading our team. We are bummed, but we are making sure we are sending him off in a appreciative way. I’ve been tasked to buy a Goodbye card and will be purchasing that on my day off as well. Also, no one knows but some flowers will also be purchased as a tasteful touch. Yes, nice detail by me. Boom.

Lastly, my week has been absolutely stupendous. It started off absolutely horrible and had me reacquainted with anxiety, stress, and panic. That shit is thankfully in the past and haven’t looked back. Now, it feels like I’ve rebounded in an exaggerated way. Joy, optimism, calm, peace, content, and wholesome is all I’ve been feeling lately, and have been relishing in it to the highest of levels.

There’s nothing that can bring me down. Boom.

Above All, Beneath None

I’m in a fantastic place in life right now, and I’m very thankful for how my simple life is playing out.

That said, it’s important for me to be aware that many people are not happy. People might have a little misery, sadness, or just general toxicity projected outward. Some might hide it extremely well or lie to themselves a little bit. I think this is very normal.

A guy close to me said that he feels happy, and it’s been a long time since he’s felt that way. He delightfully met a girl that made him feel that.

I didn’t know he felt that way. He never expressed himself so overtly. It’s stuck with me since because I used to feel very similarly. It got to the point where I would be driving and tears would stream down my face. No joy, just general dread and low self esteem. There was nothing to look forward to.

My mentality during that time was so toxic, not only to me but everyone I met. I would only speak about sad, negative things on my mind and just project insecurity everywhere I went. Who would want to be around that? Fucking no one.

Now, my mentality is pretty opposite of that. Sure, there are insecurities I have to work on, and I’ll never stop developing. No one ever reaches “Jesus” level attributes, but let’s be honest, that might be a good thing.

It’s a responsibility that I feel need to put on myself when I get a hint of someone not in a healthy place. I’m EXTREMELY far from being a source of rich wisdom, but maybe someone can confide with me to vent a little bit.  When I was in low places all it took was hanging out with a really good buddy, having a laugh, and just fucking around to make me get out of my own head. There was a very freeing feeling when I got to speak about in-depth emotions and feelings, but I’m sure folks got real sick of that real quick.

Maybe I should explore this and see if I can develop it into something more “professional”. …. No. Jk. Sounds awful.

 

 

Motivational Quotes

I feel lonely sometimes. Everyone does. If you’ve never felt lonely, it’s an absolutely joy to go through it. You then appreciate that one friend that made all the difference.

When I feel lonely my-self esteem drops. My thoughts spiral downward and I believe myself to be a complete loser. It’s a great feeling once you’re out of a little funk. My mood brightens up a little bit and I laugh at my little, silly, negative thoughts.

Well, I’m at that stage right now where I can laugh at how silly I was. I’m fucking awesome. Seriously, I might be a little awkward and quiet in big groups, but I’m an absolute treasure trove of conversation if you join me for an intimate moment. That’s not even a cocky statement, I’m just aware of my qualities. Yeah, that was a weird way to word that and not sound arrogant as fuck.

All it takes is a few words of encouragement for me to feel better. I used to absolutely loathe quotes because that’s all they were. Quotes. I never allowed myself to bring down my cynicism and let the words actually motivate me. Plus, quotes like the ones shown below are always plastered on social media, getting petty likes. See? That’s the cynicism talking.

I’d like to think that I’ve mellowed out over the years. There’s WAY less erroneous judgement on my end, but it’s still a work in progress. However, I’ve now come full circle and am posting some of my newly found quotes. Maybe I can look at this in the future and make myself feel better.

• You can start late, look different, be uncertain, and still succeed.

• Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action.

• You will never gain anyone’s approval by begging for it. When you stand confident in your own worth, respect follows

• A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms

• When something bad happens you have three choices. You can let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you

Honestly, I don’t think these are hitting me in the feels. I just took a great dump and feel great. All I’m reading are just quotes, meaningless to me at the moment. Yet, about 15 minutes ago I was eating this shit up. I’ll leave this for posterity, it will definitely be needed, undoubtedly.

This was helpful. Writing positivity, in some way, makes me feel better. I’m awesome. 

Welcome Back, Old Friend

Welcome back, my dear friend.

A.N.Xiety, as I’d like to call you. Your cute friend visits me occasionally. Dread is a great guy, oh and let Panic know I said hello.

Anyways, it’s been a while. I was thinking I wasn’t going to see you anymore, but I’d glad you surprise visited me today. Well, yesterday at night too. It was a little frustrating not getting good sleep, but that’s okay. A reminder of where I’ve been is always humbling.

A buddy of mine spoke to me, and I guess you heard about what we were talking about and decided to be in my life once again. You’ve always been a nosy fella and never let things go easily. You’re a reminder of where I’ve been, and your absence brings calm and peace over me. Actually, I can always find myself in situations when you’re not there, not anywhere. Usually, you’re not there when I listen to a funny podcast, go on long walks, or have a laugh with a friend. You’re in the background sometimes, reminding me of a dark place.

A.N.Xiety, oh, you’re clever. Although you seem like an enormous entity, you’re actually made up in my own imagination. The sad part is your not even real. It’s being scared of the unknown, the impending doom that never comes, the worry that never goes away. It’s all in my control, and the source of it is silly, but nonetheless you are part of me. You come in different forms, of course. I might think you will cause me to lose a friend, maybe two. Who am I kidding? They might’ve never been friends in the first place. See how my friend takes over? He immediately wants to become the center of attention, but just observe, buddy. You’re only here to mellow out.

You are not my enemy, friend. You come and go, but I WILL say when you can visit me, and only observe. I have full control.

I… Ate… Meat…

I was a lazy millennial yesterday. My food was delivered straight to my door, just because I was too lazy. It was a black bean burger with mushrooms. After about 40 minutes it gets to my door and I eat it outside to enjoy some sun. It was very enjoyable after locking myself in the house the whole morning.

The burger was pretty non-memorable. About halfway in I realize I’m eating flesh, and not what I ordered. Looking back, it was my mistake for not double checking. You could probably safely assume someone would freak out if they are eating something they are not supposed to, especially if they’re allergic. You could say the same for me, but only if you were talking to me a few years ago.

I don’t really care anymore. No panic, distress, worry, or guilt was felt. That burger went down to my tummy with no qualms whatsoever. Admittedly, I would have felt extremely guilty years ago, but that foolishness has been eradicated. It was a mistake, but there’s no chance in hell I’m letting food go to waste, especially when it was my fault.

This was the only memorable thing that happened yesterday. No plans were made, and no one came looking for me. Honestly, it was extremely enjoyable, and didn’t feel the urge to contact anyone. I think it’s the first weekend where I was happy not doing anything. It was extremely refreshing. It might be a good indicator of where I’m at mentally just because there are no longer beliefs of me being a loser. Also, there’s this chick I’ve kind of been talking to, but it looks like it’s not going anywhere, and I didn’t feel a desperate need to try and get her attention. The old me would have blown up her phone just to get any feedback from her.

Being comfortable in my own space is refreshing and enlightening.