Killing time…

I’m still dealing with my self-diagnosed sprained foot. My care for it has been lacking. I’ve been walking on it pretty consistently, but I refuse to just lay on my bed.

The bad thing is that I haven’t been able to journal, go to coffee shops, or listen to podcasts. I mean, I can do all this, but it’s less enjoyable if I don’t go on walks.

Today has been sort of my relaxing day since the pain is too great for me to really do anything. The small research I’ve been doing, I should be healed in the next week or so, but it just sucks that I can’t do things now while the weather is glorious.

Oh, you know what else I should not be doing? I shouldn’t be jumping on trampolines. But I fucking did. Yesterday, at the my buddy’s backyard I took it upon myself to learn how to do a backflip. While reminiscing about trampoline games with buddies I bounced a little too hard on the old trampoline and fell through it. Yep. I ripped a hole right through the trampoline, almost landing on my ass.

Yesterday was a day that I also took engagement photos. I’ll leave the details a mystery, but damn, I have a new respect for modeling. It’s extremely hard to keep a composed face while making eye contact.

There’s not much to report today, but it’s good. I’m limited to my sofa, and I wish I had my foot healthy. Maybe the silver lining in all of this is that I need to appreciate having a healthy body.

I forgot to mention. My barber speaks good things about me, and it’s due to my honesty. I’ll talk about insecurities I had, my issues with girls, or not being in a good place sometimes. Keep in mind, this is all just during my haircut. Although, I think he takes advice here and there. I jokingly shamed him about his diet, and told him to take dance classes, and I think he just might make a few changes.

I’m not tooting my own horn here, but I’d be very proud of myself if somebody took the time to do some positive stuff in their life, and that person said I inspired them.

I Sprained My Foot (I think)

The only thing I can think of that caused my injury is taking a long walk on Saturday. My joyous walk lasted about five hours, as I trekked between parks and three different coffee shops. I walked in sandals.

Yes, I think I fucked up.

Although I felt no pain on Saturday, the pain seeped in on Sunday night while hanging out by a fire. Every step I took only made it worse. I’ve self diagnosed myself, so I can’t be exactly sure of what’s wrong with my foot, but by internet standards, it seems to be a sprain.

It’s just annoying, really. I worked out my upper body yesterday and didn’t exactly enjoy my time. The worst part is I can’t really do leg workouts without going on machines. I’ll be taking this week off from my lower half. Oh, and I can’t attend my salsa classes 😦

To think that this was the week I was going to start hot yoga.

I guess I’ll save myself some time and write about my experience hanging with a few buds next to a fire:

It was mother’s day and my buddy invited me to a fire in his backyard. He invited more folks, but it ended up being three of us. Another guy ended up showing up hours later. I won’t say the night was “magical”, but it was definitely memorable.

We ended up dancing around the fire. I’m not even joking. 3 dudes just dancing to hippie music while we laughed the night away. Turns out we are doing it again tonight!

 

 

A New Challenge

I’ve tried and explored MANY different hobbies and interests. I’ll spare you the boring details, but I think I’m going to challenge myself by doing hot yoga. Well, I’ll try it out by doing a month trial, and then I’ll see if I like the results enough to continue.

I knew that living with my roommate I was eventually going to succumb to this. This is not a bad thing, but it was so inevitable that it’s just funny at this point. I’m not sure what I’m looking for, but I think I’ll be sculpting my body and that’s always a positive. That’s all I’m really expecting out of this. Also, there’s hot chicks there, so it’s also visually appealing.

Hot yoga is not unknown to me. I’ve done it a couple of times before and it’s very physically draining. Yet, I’ll get a great workout in and my abs should be more defined, but that’s wishful thinking.

Moving on to personal development… 

We went to dinner yesterday with a friend and I was called insightful. You can bet your ass I’m pretty proud of that compliment. The trait that I’m most proud of having and am constantly working on is being a good listener. So, thank you, kind friend. Oh, he also recommended me a book that leans in towards taking hallucinogenics. Interesting fella.

I’m happy where I’m at. I’ll say it until I’m blue in the face because I love it. I’m a little bored on my days off, which is why I’m looking into taking hot yoga, but other than that. I think I’m pretty happy. I find myself being more confident, less clingy, and just happy being solo. If there’s chicks that are interesting, I’ll move on if my attention isn’t captured. Or, if they stop talking to me, I’m pretty Zen with it. Talk to me or don’t, it’s all okay.

There isn’t a need to occupy my time with anyone. It’s a very “free” feeling, but it does get a little lonesome. The Summer days are close to us, and it’d be nice to hold someone’s hand, share a nightly dinner, or simply laugh with someone until our abs hurt. Of course, all this can be ignored until I click with someone. In my unhappy days, pretty much every girl fit this little description because I felt like I needed someone to be happy. Now, it’s a pretty high threshold. You have to make me want to be around you.

Of course, there’s room for improvement on my end. Always. But, I’m more selfish these days. Before, I used to want to accommodate for a person. Nah, fam. That’s in the past. Your with me or against me at this point.

Ironically, I think I’ve been more flirty and “putting myself out there” because there is no fear of losing a person in my life. I won’t miss you if you aren’t interested in me, so it’s all good.

Okay, I’m rambling, but I have no idea how to end this. Maybe put another related gif. 

 

 

First Salsa Lesson

Oh, wow. I felt dumb; Not because I was inadequate, but because it was the first day and class was going SLOW, doing basic, easy steps that we all got within a few minutes. But no, that was dragged on for a solid hour.

 

 

But, I continued and hit it off with a few folks. Keep in mind the demographic that was attending was about 33 and older (way older for some people) and about 90% white people. It was such a heavy contrast to Bachata, but that’s ok. I’m here to learn.

I ended up chatting a girl with similar age, and we exchanged contact information. She’s cute, and she’s been attending dance for a while. If anything else, she will be my hot dance partner. Oh, she’s a teacher too, so maybe I’ll get to fulfill an old fantasy of mine… ha!

Now, for the self-indulgent, self-analyzing, too-long-and-wordy, should-have-not-done-this portion of my entry: 

I’m really liking where I’m at; Emotionally, mentally, socially.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Look into yourself if you are being uncomfortable. Their might be changes you can do right now to make yourself feel better.

I mistakenly self diagnosed myself with a little bit of anxiety, depression, and just being overall miserable. This was not the case,  I was just in my own head for a while. I’m pretty sure most folks in their 20’s go through something like that. But, turns out my self esteem was really low, and only felt validated if I hung out with people, even if I didn’t get along with them. I was constantly fighting off loneliness, and let thoughts of other folks really control me.

This lead me to compare myself to other folks pretty negatively. I kept asking myself why I didn’t have many friends, why no one would text me, why I had no plans on weekends. Of course, I then felt like I was lacking qualities that folks admire. “Maybe I’m too mean? Maybe I’m ugly, or is it because I’m not smiling enough?”. You could see how that spiraled out of control. I felt worthless.

I had a short lived girlfriend at that time, and she was a popular lady. Friends would always want to text her and try to make plans. I spent too many weekends without her. I was alone more than I was with my girlfriend. Obviously, this killed the little self esteem I had.

How it got changed around

Well, during this time I had the feeling that I was having a hard time because I wasn’t taking any real responsibilities. Plus, I wasn’t happy living at home still. It’s no secret that I wanted to move out for a long time, but that’s not the whole “secret”. Really, there is no science behind it. I think I just had to focus and be okay with being uncomfortable and moving out was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Last month, I moved out and it’s made a world of a difference. Yes, I know. It could be some Freudian bullshit thing with my mom and I.

I’m feeling peak happiness and worthiness right now. Do you know how much you change when you feel “complete”? Oh, man. I feel confident, funny, handsome, desirable, fearless, motivated, driven, care-free, and awesome. I now completely accept if someone doesn’t like me, I’m still fucking happy 🙂

There’s no reliance on someone anymore. I can’t say it enough. I feel great about myself.

I’ll stop here before it turns into a “live, love, laugh” bullshit post.

Let’s give it a shot

I’m definitely not a poet, or even competent at English. Yet, I think I have a knack for crafting an interesting sentence. Although, I was introduced recently to more poetry. I won’t say I’m confident enough to post my mediocre poems, but it will be done in the future.

Also, I think I may have gained one more set of eyes that occasionally looks at these posts. So maybe I’m writing directly to you now ;), but I won’t say anything. As a matter of fact, maybe you’ll never see this and that’s okay. I’m writing for the memories anyway.

In more interesting news, I finally have an official tattoo appointment coming up. I’m not nervous, excited, or anxious about it. It’s almost like the natural thing to do at this point. I am just worried that the tattoo comes out the way I want. I’ll definitely lower my expectations, but I think I’ll look good with it anyway. I won’t say the “meaning” behind it as it’s a little shallow and simple, plus it’s only something I would understand. I’m underselling myself here.

In less interesting news, I’m on track to abandon bachata and take up Salsa. I sucked at Bachata and am sure to suck at Salsa.

Fine, here’s a poem for you:

Simply, I love you

I can’t explain, I get nervous around you

This feeling won’t go away and I won’t want it to

The day I held your hand for the first time

Interlacing your fingers with mine

I’m happy

Simply, I love you

 

Okay, I know. It’s a work in progress. I’m sure I’ll get better.

Half-assed update

Where do I start?

• Moved out
• Happy
• Positive
• Active

Well, that’s just general bullet points that I rather not get into right now. There was a three week girlfriend thrown in there at one point, but that shit was so toxic that I rather not even give it any more light. I’m not blaming her, by the way. It was just a terrible combination of all sorts of things.

Also, I still have a small group of friends, but I think they’ve started to appreciate my actual friendship. I know I’m not impressive. I know I’m not the most positive, outgoing, or even the “party guy”, but I will listen and talk to you. I genuinely care about my few friends. Maybe as I get older more folks will appreciate that. Who knows, maybe it’s just wishful thinking.

The good news also is that I don’t care about many things anymore. I used to compare myself in a very toxic way, I wish I knew the path I took to overcome it, but it could just be Father Time holding my hand. I’m in a great place, honestly.

Oh, I’ve started writing my goals in my journal but I think it may be good to do this here once in a while. Let’s start:

• Go to Ireland and have some fish and chips in a pub
• Move into a different department at work
  • It would be lovely to move out of customer service lol
• Get the tattoo I want
• Squat 300 and Deadlift 400 pounds

 

 

That’s all for now. Bye.