Something is happening… I can feel it.

Something interesting has been unfolding lately, and I can’t figure out why. I am getting uncontrollably angry. My patience runs thin, my temper is constantly escalated, and I’m never calm.

I’m exaggerating, of course. I always tend to do this to make my writing sound dramatic; Nevertheless, it’s true.

Over Christmas I had to spend about 12 hours with a family with whom we are staying with. My girlfriend nannies for them so we were welcomed to hangout with them for Christmas. We spent it with about 19 other people, which 10 of them were kids. I didn’t want to be there. I’m not much a of a big group kind of guy, especially if they’re strangers.

My anger is bottled in, but it’s only aggravated more and more by each uncomfortable minute that passes. It’s not healthy to be this upset over made up scenarios that don’t exist. They are all lovely people; I just want them in small doses.

The day came and went. My girlfriend noticed I was quiet, but didn’t know I was mad. The day after I was in a fantastic mood, and I realized how out of control my anger was. I barely remembered the day and how it went. It was like my anger made me forget what angered me in the first place. It was my irrational mind evolving rational once again.

I can’t even comprehend why I was mad now. Why was I so irrational? It’s so bothersome because I feel like moments like these have come so much more continuously and often. Looking back on these moments it saddens me to say, but I think it’s because I’m out of my comfortable elements.

What’s funny is that when I first moved to Australia I was a way more pleasant guy to be around. The attitude was more of a “go with a flow”, or insert other platitude/cliche here, and it’s what unknowingly helped me just accept things as they were, not as how they should be.

This mentality has been lost as of late. It’s not acceptable. My anger, pessimistic, unadventurous attitude not only affects me and my outlook on my situation, but also my lovely girlfriend. She is simply the best and her overall attitude needs to be bottled and sold in stores.

Maybe I have to go back to what I wrote about years ago (I’m not going to go and find this post because it’s too pointless). Mindfulness, acceptance, and just “going with the flow”. Why do I get so mad? Instead of just getting mad, how about accepting it. It’s not the end of the world if I have to meet new people, have to play games with folks I don’t want to, or simply be somewhere else instead of being home. It’s going to be okay.

Simply inhale, exhale, smile, and repeat.

The HR Experience so Far

Well, this is the pinnacle of fluffing up your resumé. I got hired as an unpaid intern for a big corporation and was given a haphazard orientation a few days ago.

There’s little to no direction from any upper management so far. My orientation was given by another unpaid intern who is doing what I’ll be doing; Hiring other unpaid interns as well. It’s kind of a joke, but that’s okay. This is going to be super valuable on a resumé as an “HR Recruiter”.

I’ve also tried to make the most out of this time in Australia and make sure it’s not a complete waste of time. I’ve read a few books, explored some coffee shops, and have now tried to actively get into some education with technical writing.

That being said, I think I’ll try to make an impact within my internship (if I can). I’ll try to write up documentation, possibly make guides for future interns, and just write stuff that might impress someone one day. I’m basically going the professional route of “please notice me, management!”.

That’s basically it; I’m trying to stay proactive and not rot my brain from inactivity.

Locked in a Mercedes

Let’s just write a little bit just to pass the time:

After all, I’m locked in an air controlled car because we can’t transport the sleeping baby to the house without waking him.

Coincidentally, in the precise spot that I’m in, under a garage, my phone has no internet access. I’m unable to mindless waste my time on Reddit. It’s like being transported to the 1920’s, where people used to live like peasants.

The funny thing is that I live in a room attached to the garage. My book and headphones are there so I can easily leave the car and then quickly grab my stuff and get in the car again, all under 30 seconds, but that will cause too much noise. I may be overthinking it but I’m not going to take that chance and wake up a sleeping baby.

The book that I’m reading right now is about how to write better too. I’m sure an English professor can look at my previous paragraphs and just slaughter it with edits, with a harsh, red pen.

You’ve guessed it, nothing notable to report today.

Small Victory for the Little Guy

I got the Internship! Whoo!

Hindsight is 20/20, but it’s silly to be happy for a position that was probably not competitive to begin with, and offered no pay whatsoever, maybe a few certificates of completion if anything. Yay me!

I’m not going to let this bring my mood down though. Ninety-five percent of my job searches were for actual jobs. I may have applied for at least 70 positions ranging from full time office administration to warehouse employees. All unsuccessful. I’m blaming this lack of success due to my immigration status. Not being a citizen of a foreign country, where immigration is strict, definitely hurts my chances of finding a job.

Hence, this internship is the best thing that could have happened to me at my current moment. I can at least say I did something meaningful to my work career that will hopefully get me a better job (or at least flexibility in job search) back in the states.

The hopeless, useless, obsolete feeling has been eliminated, vanquished, destroyed, vaporized from my existence. My next goal is to try and see if I can get an opportunity in the states with this company. You know, work my “negotiating” skills and apply it.

I forgot to write about this. I recently read about negotiation and felt empowered and enthusiastic to use it on a daily basis. There’s a psychological phenomenon that is similar to this, specifically feeling motivated after reading something self-help related. The book is called Never split the Difference.

My internship should start in a few weeks, at least that’s what I said in the paperwork and interview leading up to this opportunity. It should be easy, yet big enough where I will be proud of putting it up on my resumé. You bet your ass I’ll be milking every single miniscule moment into a mind blowing, huge accomplishment to impress folks back home.

Hell yes.

I’m killing it right now. 

“Don’t break your arm jerking yourself off”

It starts with a sentence. Another series of words makes it two sentences. Now, the third sentence pays it off by asking a question; Was this entertaining?

I’m writing this fucking journal for years now; Half-assing it, forgetting to write, and not making it captivating enough for anyone one (including me) to give a fuck. This is not a bad thing. This way I can write fearlessly, without judgement, but it’s going nowhere. Bottom line; There is no point.

Now, with a new goal and intention of being memorable I must try to get out of a lazy, “who cares about this” attitude and start listing words that are fun and meaningful to write.

At the mall today I discovered that I should improve my writing skills, while on my long vacation in Australia. I have nothing else to do so I might as well educate myself. No one wants to employ my handsome ass anyway. Although, I’m still shooting for that UNPAID internship.

The book I’m reading now “How Writing Works” by Roslyn Petelin has immediately fuelled me to improve. I’m only on the first chapter but the author does a really good job emphasizing on the importance of writing and explains how many folks do it at their job almost unknowingly.

I was mindlessly writing, which is horrible if you were to replace it with “eating”. Why should writing be taken any less serious if it meant positive or negative changes in career growth. It’s fun to be apocalyptic about it just to get the message across. Please, don’t try and think I’m an evil guy for comparing the two. Whatever.

I’ve read a few books in my time here in Australia, and it’s possible I have “subconsciously” taken in new writing styles, but let’s make sure that I also keep myself to a higher standard than before. Again, mindlessly writing is the enemy if I need to improve.

This was fun. Who would have thought challenging myself in small ways (even though it goes unnoticed) was going to be this much fun for me? Fuck you.

No, not a concert or church thing, It’s a seminar for people addicted to high-fiving. 

 

 

Damn you, WiFi

The WiFi is not connecting at my second favorite coffee shop in Brisbane. The Bean Cafe’s WiFi was not connecting to my Mac. Specifically, the little pop up box wasn’t showing that lets you connect using an email address. I Googled it on my phone with no luck. Now, I’m sitting in the library next to old guys sleeping, college, students, and an occasional homeless guy.

A little update on the job hunt: NO CALLS YET FOR MY UNPAID INTERNSHIP. What kind of dystopian society do we live in where young folks can’t qualify for free labor. If I get beat out by a PH.D student then I guess I’m fucked, right?

By the way, Christmas is right around the corner and it doesn’t feel like it! It’s fantastic! It’s 100 degrees over here, barely any audible Christmas music, and there’s no snow!

I’m no Grinch either, but come on, after like seeing the decorations in stores for like 8 weeks and fighting and wrestling with snow, shovelling sideways, scraping windows, and looking like a rolled up sleeping bag a nice break from it is always nice.

I ordered my girlfriend some dope presents that I think she will love. I won’t reveal what I got her, but to sum it up it will be something that she will giggle at, love, and be very memorable since we’ve been talking about this for a long time. A few phone calls were made to get this done.

While all this has been coordinated, I had to also get my dad from his home over to Utah so he can get medical treatment. That hasn’t been easy to deal with since he is an older gentleman and needs assistance getting around. I’m on the other side of the globe and making sure everything is set is a little stressful. My mom is a great team player though.

If I don’t get the job that’s okay. I won’t be upset, just on for the job hunt again. As long as girlfriend is happy for Christmas and my dad travels safely then everything is alright.

See, I’m no Grinch.

I fucking love how cheesy these stock photos are

 

 

 

Unpaid Position

 

I got an actual interview! My interview went well, or maybe I think it went well. Confidence is key, but I have been told I come off as arrogant. This was written before in my physical journal. I digress.

The position was for an HR role where I would be recruiting candidates. Basically, it’s a dream position for someone like myself because then I could use the skills and an updated resume to take back to the States and get an actual adult job.

The interview was short and sweet. It was a Skype call, and I had to create an account to use it, which is okay, but it felt like this was the real deal. First question: “Do you know that this is an unpaid internship?”

Of course I knew. I read the application and it was made clear to me there. I had no problems with it, but I still feel like it was simply an opportunity to learn. Plus, I wasn’t getting any real interviews for real jobs either. It’s heavy competition over here in Australia, but I’m also not very qualified simply due to the holiday Visa status.

“Yes, I am” I answered. I went through a few more questions and the interview lasted just under 10 minutes.

 

“I can’t believe I’m not getting paid” 

The interview took place Thursday and it’s Sunday now. I would think that if they liked me they would have called me Friday and told me to start Monday. Now I’m thinking I bombed it. Maybe I answered terribly, or didn’t impress the interviewer. As a side note, the interviewer was also an intern, and through some LinkedIn stalking, we found out she also works at Carl’s Jr part time. The anxiety and stress settled once we found out this fact. Yet, I still don’t have a rejection or approval call.

IT’S AN UNPAID INTERNSHIP, WITH NO GUARANTEE OF A REAL JOB!!! How can I not even qualify for free labor? Is this some sort of twisted joke?

It’s definitely a humorous situation, and I think I will get it. But it not, then that’s okay. Back to the job search and starting all over again. It’s not like I lost other opportunities.

Oh, and I forgot to mention: Google gave me the “local guide” status, so now I’m reviewing things all the time. Hopefully something happens out of that and I can do something super cool with it. So, I got that going for me I guess.

A Day Off Work

When I first started letting people know that I was going to be moving to Australia I got reactions and questions from all across the spectrum. From the cozy little place of Utah, Australia seems like such a foreign country. Let me tell you, it’s basically the same thing.

My partner and I are fortunate enough to live comfortably in a little room owned by some rich folks so money is lasting us nicely. Other than that, the “culture shock” of this whole place only lasted about a week. I order coffee, walk a lot, take the bus, and do some occasional sightseeing.

Currently, the biggest culture shock is that I’m in a internet cafe that caters to the Chinese students. So everything is in Chinese, the merchandise is Chinese, broken English from the receptionist, etc.. It’s not a bad thing, of course, but it’s not something I ever encountered in the states. I quite like it. It’s comical, but I like it.

via GIPHY

I can’t quite say what the folks back home think my day to day life is like, but it’s alright. My life is being lived like if I had a day off of work back home. I basically do the same thing I do back home what I do here, but for months at a time. Sure, I’ve met great people, and even come to embrace the thought of being a dad one day.

Oh God, I don’t have a job. I’m worthless. 

Yet, it’s a pretty laid back lifestyle. I mean, I’ve always had this lifestyle, but I guess Australia has made it fucking EASY to be this way. Although, when I return home I’ll discover what I’ve been taking for granted, but even that implies that I’ve been missing something. I don’t think I miss much, just friends and family.

Why can’t I find a job, fuck me. 

Christmas & Too Good to be True

Ah, well I’m here in the Brisbane Square Library to score some free wifi and even stopped around to get a gift certificate for a friend.  You know, for Christmas. I’ve also been doing some secret shopping to get stuff for my girlfriend, but that should be on its way. Hopefully.

I wanted to also get on a computer because YouTube recommended some ad that you get money for filling out some surveys. Wow. That is such a waste of time and effort to get 20$. It’s like hours of work too. It pays better to get a real job. Yes, Captain Obvious, I hear you loud and clear.

The fucking ad sold the idea to me very well. Yet, my nervous and desperate brain was trying to look for solutions in terrible places. It was me trying to get money in some ways that led me down a path to surveys and an inbox full of junk mails. Hell, I think I got 25 cents for just signing up and I rather have them keep it then give me such a low amount. It’s like rubbing salt in the wound.

Things are fantastic though. Although, speaking to my girlfriend I think the end is somewhat near on our hiatus from the United States. We will see what we do, but no matter the decision we take it will be okay.

Christmas shopping has been fun, and the brainstorming that takes place to come up with a perfect gift. Looking back on gifts I’ve given I’d like to think I have a knack for giving cool gifts. My pockets are small this year but that doesn’t keep me from putting a smile on someone’s face when they open their gift.

I should actually email some buddies from back home and let them know how I’m doing….

Not much to report today, just hangout, keep enjoying my time off of work, and then maybe do it again the next day… or get a job.

Unemployed but Undefeated

I am enjoying my time in Australia.

I don’t have a job.

The fear of money dwindling and the harsh realities of what will happen if I run out of funds to support my hiatus from a work life is happily dwindling. Ironically, the positivity is because I saw my account, and I’m doing pretty great, for the time being.

If you haven’t guessed by now why I wrote the introductory paragraph it’s because I’m trying to not COMPLETELY PANIC  on not finding a job. It’s not even about the money, it’s about the self-worth and the constant rejection of not getting any curious calls from employers.

It’s fine, it’s totally fine.

A few years ago I got obsessive with mindfulness meditation. The first time I got in “the zone” from meditation was fascinating and a high that I’ve been trying to reach ever since. The chase from that one time is actually what is keeping me from reaching it again Expectations is my demise.

It’s honestly what is keeping me from being carefree, more pleasant to be around, and fearless of new adventures. You would think a journey to Australia for six months would say otherwise, but it’s a reminder of the flaws I’d like to fix.

The typical male characteristics is what is hindering me, possibly. I’m not coming out as a non-binary type of guy, but my desire to be on time and follow a plan, backseat driving, and doomsday scenarios would probably be in the “typical guy” category. I would add the adamant need to go to the gym as well. Although, I would give that a pass as I thoroughly enjoy going to the gym. Also, let’s throw in alone time as being a need.

I won’t describe all these in detail, but the denominator in these qualities cause me to be a little more agitated than what has been expressed recently. My overreaction if we don’t get somewhere on time, if we fail to make a turn, and just scenarios causing impatience turns me into a angered mess. Gun to my head, I would say that it’s being preoccupied with an end result, and results not matching perfectly that would make me upset.

It’s so trivial, yet I believe it to be true. To be angered over something so small and insignificant is problem.

First step to overcome all this mess is being mindful and present.

I’m writing this from Brew Cafe & Wine Bar. It’s a little basement coffee shop in the heart of Queenstreet Mall. I’ve been trying to search coffee shops where a writing environment is welcome. Most of the coffee shops that I’ve seen here is for social folks to talk and gossip in a tiny space. Nah, give me a couch, give me some quiet, and let me do my thing with your free Wi-Fi.