One Year Anniversary

A round of applause for Sarah and I. Whoo!

We’ve done it!

I’ve wrote about how I’m forgetting the past, almost like my short term memory is not as fresh as it used to be. I strongly doubt that it’s my brain failing, but more like my new experiences and self-confidence don’t make me dwell on experiences as I used to do.

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But I remember the way I used to think, and boy, let me tell you, I’ve changed and improved drastically. I was able to maintain a loving girlfriend for a year!

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Sarah is a delightful, kind, optimistic, encouraging, supportive, and loving person. She’s my best friend. It’s cliché, and I’ve told her many times, but my life has absolutely changed because of her. It’s the greatest.

We are still growing, making mistakes, learning from each other, and enjoying our youth together. I’m so lucky to have found you, babe.

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I love you

If you are reading this, I was going to buy you a card, but the place that I went to had the worst cards! I thought it’d be cool if you stumbled on this instead.

Better Days Ahead

My last post was literally about not making enough money, and the feeling of always wanting more. It was all based around fear, and quite honestly, it still is.

However, just recently, I’ve been trying to be more proactive about my financial future and overall just make better financial decisions. The end result is that I’ve just felt better.

A sensation of calm, excitement, and a little day dreaming has left me feeling like my future is going to be awesome.

It’s rare that I think about the future. As a self-described over-thinker, thinking about my future plans, like buying a house or upgrading to a better gym, have never been at the forefront of my day-to-day through processes. The only thing that has changed is that I’ve slowly been informing myself about the financial world. Emphasis on slowly because I’m a terrible student. If you’ve been through the YouTube rabbit whole then you know.

I’m thankful that I’m no longer in a state of small panic. Now, there’s a little hesitancy about the future, but I feel good and am welcoming the challenge.

It was just a few years ago that I felt like a young boy, uninformed, lacking confidence, and lacking motivation. It’s hard to describe how I used to be. There are no other words but personified immaturity.

Since I started my new position those feelings have disappeared and I truly think leaving customer service and finding a role has helped me drastically, along with a nice increase in pay. Is it ironic that more money has made me feel better and more accomplished? Sure, but even without the increase in pay, I feel a more direct responsibility and ownership for what I do. It’s a great feeling.

Another nonsensical vomit of words. The end.

Chasing what?

I recently got out of customer service, and more importantly, I’m getting paid more as well. Irony.

I’ve been less financially restrictive and have more opportunities for investing, weekend getaways, and just spending more money. The interesting thing is that it’s left me desiring to be put in a position that will make me even more money. Why?

It’s almost as if it’s never enough money to begin with. I want more, I’m ashamed to say. I’m literally creating conversations and imagining scenarios that unfavorably compare me to other people my age. For example, I think about the faces and implied pity that people will give me if I tell them my salary. I would assume their reactions would be like “You should be making way more”.

If you haven’t guessed it by now, the desire to earn more money is only fueled by other people. Well, it’s mostly fueled by other people. Removing unnecessary variables I still think I would like to earn more money. But why?

I don’t really plan on buying anything big or expensive. Sure, let’s throw in a newer car, and probably a condo or home, but other than those ostensibly necessary things, what else? Financial freedom? Meh, just start saving a little more than you’re spending.

Is it to create a better future, or preparing for big financial expenses? It may very well be, but there’s no rush. I’m 27 years old, turning 28, and I think I am doing pretty well for my age, and think only better opportunities will come in the future. Better yet, the ultimate goal should be that I’m my own boss. Financial freedom is one thing, but to have almost complete freedom without having to clock in or out, or have someone “circling back” in a meeting, is almost worth having slightly less money.

As I’m writing these unpolished thoughts, I think I’m also forgetting to live more in the moment? The future will always be there, and I’ll meet up with it one day, financially safe, happy, and fulfilled. I have to enjoy the present and be mindful of the surroundings. I’m only 27.

A Refresher to Avoid the Past

I’ve been snappy, irritable, emotional, rude, and unkind. Period.

There’s no sugarcoating it and there’s no “real” excuse to be made. I put real in quotes because I don’t know if there’s any real reason, other than obvious ones, that would permit shitty attitude and behavior.

My thoughts about small interactions have become somewhat toxic, or at least incredibly judgmental. Instant justification is immediate, and excuses are made when someone questions why I acted the way I did. I say things like “She just seemed dull”, “just a lot of boring conversations”, or my favorite “It’s just so loud”. Again, I’m speaking on small, insignificant interactions that justify (only to me) and disqualify me from having fun and just taking it all in.

An example, you ask? There are a few, but recalling these moments is worthless because the overall denominator that prevents me from having a good time is just ME.

I’m living inside my head again. It’s like a defensive mechanism that allows me to take a foreign environment and make it more familiar to me. I see a person I don’t know, I make a judgment on how I THINK they are and run with it. I’m in an area with tons of people? I will probably think in a way that will make me feel holier-than-thou.

The unfortunate side effect from an already toxic quality is that I FEEL that this feeling is lingering and strengthening. It’s gotta stop.

One thing that has made me feel better is a quote I heard once. I forget where I heard it, but it goes something like this:

If you surround yourself with good people, it’s impossible to have a bad time

– Batman, or someone idk.

Just a Maintenance Post

I was once told that to overcome writer’s block you simply have to just write.

It doesn’t have to make sense and it doesn’t have to be good. I’m talented enough to do both at the same time.

I started off this sappy journal around the age of 19, maybe a little older. I’m now twenty seven years old and I feel like I’m an actual adult now. Nobody tells me how mature I am for my age, no one asks what I’m studying, and no one talks down to me giving me unsolicited advice.

Ironically, I catch myself trying to give advice to younger folks. I’ve sadly become the man that simply annoys me.

Speaking of, the great thing is that I haven’t stopped learning and trying to improve. Just this past weekend, my girlfriend and I went out of town. Let’s just say the whole time we were visiting her sister’s place things weren’t always smiles and giggles. Emotions were felt, moods were down, and frustrations overflowed. Sure, you could blame it on miscommunication as the real source of unhappy moments, but accountability needs to come forward.

I was a grumpy downer for a few hours that really derailed my girlfriend’s two-day getaway. We are great communicators and pretty in-tune with our emotions, but even then, it doesn’t stop an irrational mind (me) from blowing things out of proportion and being extra sensitive.

Details on how everything became bitter and stressful don’t really matter, but I just know everything could have been handled much better had I just been a grown up about it. That’s it.

I learned my lesson, and hope to not forget it anytime soon. Who would have thought this maintenance post would have been a mirror to take a long look at myself?