Maturing… Maybe?

So in recent weeks, the biggest change to my life is that I am an avid reader now. I’m ready about 4-5 books a month and it’s been an absolute game changer for my life.

I don’t think I’m saying this as a click-bait. I genuinely do think that the few books that I’ve begun reading are ones that have severely impacted my life in many beneficial ways. Although I rather not say the titles of the books they loosely fall under topics of social psychology and interpersonal relationships.

I’m realizing also as I write this that the previous post I made was about “the best day ever”, and to put it succinctly, that may have been one of the more influential days of my life and the life that I share with my partner.

It definitively started a new chapter in our sex lives, and fast tracked us to an introduction into bending the “rules” of traditional monogamy. Since that infamous night, we have explored new experiences and I have also had some experiences without my partner. I’m trying to be as vague as possible as to not hyper focus on the details of the experiences but to highlight some of the changes that have made as a relationship.

As expected too, this new chapter doesn’t come with its own set of challenges. Of course, when challenging anything as long standing as traditional monogamy the ultimate peacemaker is honest, open communication, which is a foundational pillar in my relationship. I’m lucky and grateful for that.

As an example of some of the difficult conversations that have arisen from such new experiences and new modalities of dating, we’ve discovered that my partner may have some anxious attachment tendencies. The process of getting to that realization was at times painful and frustrating but the mere acknowledgment of some the thought processes that go with anxious attachment tendencies was enough for me to fully understand and feel what my partner is going through.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I immediately understood, or at least for a fraction of a second, felt what my partner goes through when speaking to me of insecurities and anxieties she experiences.

Ironically, it’s made our relationship stronger.

Best Day Ever?

TL;DR

^{My buddy took me on his private plane to a nearby city for lunch}

^{That same night I went to a sex club with my partner and we had a wild time. Yes, you read that correctly. A sex club.}

I woke up Saturday morning with a yearn to go for a walk. This is not unusual as I love a good morning stroll. There was a joint that was still unfinished and happily took a few puffs before beginning my low impact cardio.

After walking a few minutes I finally managed to find a bench at the mall where I began mindlessly viewing YouTube and playing chess. I already knew what my plans were going to be that evening so in hindsight, the whole morning was a feeling of nervousness and tension. It felt almost like waiting in line for a roller coaster. You know it’s going to be fun but almost can’t stand the wait for it.

Soon after I sat down I get a text from a friend asking me if I want to go fly. As a side note, my buddy is a newly licensed pilot and has already taken friends that I know for a little ride in the sky.

My immediate reaction to reading the text was to say no. It was a pure reactionary thought because I had fear. Yes, exciting and thrilling and I ultimately said yes, but there was some fearful hesitation. Everyone can understand that.

Fast forward to the hangar where all the planes are parked. There were private jets and planes everywhere. I felt like I was in a music video and my excitement was already peaking.

I take a seat in the passenger side of the cockpit and we get the confirmation from ground control to depart and we set off. We increase the speed and the wheels begin to lift off the ground. It was surreal to be in this moment because I could not believe how crazy of an opportunity this was for me. This was only one of the two instances where I had this surreal feeling. The second instance was at the sex club only a few hours after we landed.

However, as we were flying my buddy wanted to grab some lunch. We land in a nearby city, rented a car, and drive to a Mexican restaurant where we chowed down on some enchiladas. We drove back to the small airport, flew in his private plane, and then landed again in our original city.

I couldn’t stop grinning ear to ear after that. It was an absolutely unforgettable moment.

The clock turned 8pm and we decided to start getting ready. My partner and I did not really have any expectations. Also, it wasn’t REALLY a sex club, but more of a space that was meant for lewd acts. To be specific, you don’t actually have to have sex or do any of those things. There was a dance floor and spaces to hang out, and if you wanted to do some “other” things, then there were designated rooms for those acts to occur. If it wasn’t obvious, I am foreshadowing.

The folks that took us were experienced and in that lifestlyle for some time. My partner and I are incredibly inexperienced but tried to keep an open mind, plus, we wanted to experience this lifestyle and have dabbled in it a few times, sparingly and safely.

We arrive at this corporate building where the upstairs was set up for this event. As soon as we walk in we understand what the vibe is. Respectful, anonymous -ish , and fun.

My partner and I had tons of fun, and saw some incredible moments of sexuality and intimacy, real life porn scenarios. My partner and I got to experience a few ladies that went with us. Yes, we spent most of the time in the “play” rooms.

To keep it brief, my partner and I ended the night on a high note. We realized that no experience can replace what my partner and I have, and most importantly, we have learned the differences between having an experience with someone you barely know to an experience with a person that you love. The differences are HUGE and I am so grateful to have my partner… Sarah, if you are reading this. I love you very much 🙂

Interesting Day to Return

An insane amount of interesting things occurred since my last post.

I didn’t write for an entire year, but I’ll list some of the high and low lights.

• I’m getting more confident in my job
• My chess club moved locations and I can confidently say I’m a part of the local chess community
• The relationship with my partner has strengthened and we’ve dabbled our toes in other things…
• I’ve decided to be more outgoing
• I purchased a new car
• Some sad stuff has happened with some of my family

As I’m writing my small, but concise list, I’m slowly realizing that not a lot actually happened, but each one of these items have taken up huge portions of the last year that have either caused me incredibly stressful or happy moments.

Oh, something that I haven’t mentioned either is that I am feeling like I’m now looking into the “older” part of my life. Currently, I am 30 years old and am having realizations, breakthroughs, and emotional connections that make me feel more secure exploring new ideas. That is, a lot of the beliefs, ideas, and negative thoughts that I used to have really molded me into a version of myself that was very limited.

With the emotional work that I have done, and along with the tremendous help of my partner, there’s excitement I feel tackling every ‘new’ experience with the ‘older’ version of myself. There is now this version of me that is more outgoing, calmer, and more understanding with new and old friends around me.

Noticeably, I am also really letting go of the past, younger life I had. Not in the sense of completely abandoning altogether, but it is now transitioning to be a moment in my life instead of my identity. A lot of my feeling when remembering the past was a sense of pride and identity. That may have been helpful when there was uncertainty in my decisions, but now I feel more confident with myself that makes me feel as though I do not have to anchor who I am with my past. Basically, I have made the realization that I can exist as my own without having to remember the past.

How My Birthday Went

We basically did nothing until 7pm.

Then, we met up at Squatters to have some food. The food was mediocre and the service was a little slow, but it’s always so lovely to hang out with the besties.

Afterward, I suggested we go to a martini bar just around the corner. This was just for fun, and it wasn’t my intention to grab a martini, but the vibe and environment were fun.

Finally, Stephy suggested that we can do a silent disco, which is something I’ve never done. What a life hack! Wearing headphones makes everything better! Sarah and I danced and danced like never before.

We finally got back home and ate chips and dip to finish the night.

Happy 29th to me!

Yesterday was a small celebration

My friends all came together to play games and eat snacks. It was a lovely time and it was all because of my girlfriend. Everything went by so smoothly that there’s almost nothing to report that was THAT noteworthy.

I received non-alcoholic Guinness along with some apple pie and ice cream.

It was a great time! Just writing this down to remember a happy moment when I feel down.

Another Boost of Creativity

Okay, another one, off the cuff, no planning or editing. It’s what I do.

Yesterday before going to bed, I had another boost of energy to start writing again. It was less fueled by a creative outlet, and more so due to the result of a bad day.

I was feeling grumpy, tired, and irritable the entire day. I would like to think it was the result of a bad night’s sleep and not because my life sucks. Which it doesn’t.

After pondering and wondering why I was feeling sad and bummed out, I realized that I have been forgetting a lot of the good days and memories I’m creating on a daily basis. I’m more established in my life, and it’s only going to get better, but yet, somehow I’m focusing on the negative.

So, here I am, writing about a newly found inspiration to write often so that I can look back at my journal and realize my life is fucking awesome.

The first and only update for today, I am celebrating my birthday. Friends are coming over and it’s going to be fun.

Maybe I’ll write tomorrow about how it goes, or maybe I won’t. I don’t know. I’m not that committed jaja

Hello Future Me

I don’t feel like writing, and I haven’t written anything in quite a while. Two months? I don’t know.

Here’s a little TL;DR

I run a small chess club (I’m super happy about this)

My coding program is going super well, and I’m practicing some HTML, which is why this looks the way it looks

I’m examining and exploring new and old flaws all the time

Oh, and my life is still amazing and only getting better

I’m kind of really into programming too. I’m not great at at it by any stretch of the imagination, but overall my future is looking bright!

Becoming an Adult (But Actually Becoming One)

10 years ago I turned 18.

I think I wrote my first blog post around that time and it was all about how unique and interesting I was.

I’m 28 years old and am realizing how idealistic my mentality was. I thought I was unique, interesting, silly, and in a very toxic way, thought I was better than everyone else.

My body feels different, and lack of sleep plays a bigger detrimental effect on my day. My lower back is giving me more problems. I’m not a fan of staying up as long as possible anymore, old hobbies don’t interest me as much, and I spend more time thinking about how to improve. On the other side of the spectrum, there have been huge wins.

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

I’m way more financially stable, more goal-oriented, and even started school again. I’m thirsty for a career change and am embracing the adult-minded evolution.

In essence, I’m becoming “boring” which is a word I’ve really overused in the last few years of my life. I think I’m finding my stride and ultimately understanding who I am. Close friends, quality time with my girlfriend, financial stability, and a home.

Now that I have literally written out a list of my desires, I am mildly shocked that my life revolves around these four elements.

Switching topics, as I often do, I have to write down my update from my coding BootCamp. It’s so FUCKING hard. I can’t believe I’m doing this. Stressed nights, occupied weekends, a few tears shed. Javascript is absolutely kicking my ass but we’re finally moving on to the next topic.

Furthermore, my chess club is growing ever so slightly, but the community aspect of it is thriving. I wouldn’t say any of us are close friends, but the people that I’ve connected with have been willing to help with the coding stuff.

As a reminder to myself, I’m very capable of maintaining friends and developing close relationships. Of course, the road to actual connection is rocky and not always perfect, but I got it in me to be successful.

Wow, I’m really onto something here

Today is the 25th of January. If you didn’t know, I run a chess meetup on Sundays at a local coffee shop. It sounds more impressive than it is. I just show up with a chessboard and play whoever wants to play. It’s casual as conversations are usually more interesting. One of the members of the club invited me to a Monday chess group as well at a local bar. Yesterday was my first time attending.

Going out in a new group is rarer nowadays, especially as I get older, finding a group of new people to hang out with is not as common as it used to be, specifically if you were trying to find yourself too. That said, I hit it off with some cool people and had some interesting conversations as well!

I’m writing about something so mundane because it’s a victory for me. I used to always tell myself that I was the way I was and I would never fit in anywhere. Literally, no one else told me this. I kept repeating this to myself over and over for years.

I’m 28. Still learning.

In other news, I’m still working on coding BootCamp and this venture will start in a few weeks. Will report back periodically to write down how stressed I feel.

Yes, another update?

I just recently thought of going back to school. Scratch that. I just recently thought of doing a UX design BootCamp. Sounds less daunting, doesn’t it?

Regardless, the overall goal is to purchase a home, have a patio, have a cool personal office where I get to double it as a stoner room, and then, if I get really lucky, also have a treehouse with a similar vibe.

If I truly desire this for myself then I must have some money. Working in HR is not really cutting it anymore, especially since we don’t live in the ’90s anymore.

More importantly, I realized what my motivation has been. Sure, having your own place is a motivator in itself, but at least for me, it’s having a place to share with my partner. Wow, look at me, I’m calling my girlfriend a partner.

Having a goal, or at least realizing having a realistic idea of what your life is going to look like, brings a lot of motivation and internal hunger to ensure it happens. I am not fully aware of the changes that are occurring. It may be age and just having another level of maturity that I didn’t have before. I’m reading books now too! I’m borderline shocked about that, honestly.

There’s no point in this post. I literally just started typing for no reason. However, I’ll look back at November 27, 2021, and think, “Wow, I really was onto something here.”